like mother, like daughter
the things Bea is working through in her life, I am working through in mine
a massive untangling is underway on my end while a weaving together is underway on hers
the second she came to me (even before, if I'm honest) it felt like in order to a better mother/parent/human I needed to dive into how I was parented to address the legacy of my family
I've reparented myself over the years but not to this depth or with this speed
my family is a military family
my grandfather made my mom and aunt move cinder blocks around the backyard when they were little just because he could
made them ration food and toilet paper just because he could
that "fall in line, keep your mouth shut" shit is insidious and our legacy and I still see it popping up in me when guiding Bea
autonomy and assertion is where she's at right now and I have been struggling with control and surrender a lot lately
what does it mean to try to control someone?
tactics of bribery, punishment, lying, physical and emotional abuse seem to be memories that are most close these days
a legacy I have a very hard time changing despite hating it when it was done to me
The whole "I'm doing this because I love you" or "you'll thank me one day" 🤦♀️
control is not love
control is a fallacy
control is fear
this time of toddlerhood is teaching me about sovereignty, personhood, and freedom for Bea and myself
how to create boundaries that are safe for her without it becoming controlling and domineering
how to honor her individuality while dealing with all the places in myself where I supress it
how to let "NO" and "YES" be said and heard freely
how to allow ourselves to keep shining and be silly and love everything and everyone with innocent abandon without pushing to conform to a certain way of being
often we forget that we're all capable of being little tyrants drunk on ourselves, just out to get the people who stand up and voice something different than quo
as ram das said: when you know how to listen everyone is the guru
here's mine: the child who named herself 🔥 with a spoon on her nose, standing in front of her drawings, loving me for all I am, as I do my best
