there's divinity in the darkness

I worked through fertility issues before having Callum and Bea

there were energetic ties in my mother's line, going back many generations that played out between mother and child, that kept me from being able to hold space for life

I lost a few pregnancies while the rage in me just grew

alongside energy/body work and therapy, I went back to psychedelic plant/fungi to help open myself up to the story that needed to be told

I remember in one particular ayahuasca ceremony we had a different co-facilitator than usual

during the session and deep in the rhythms of the medicine, he stood up in front of the room and began to dance and sing

the voices and energy that was working through him were wild-- I have NEVER seen someone so fully possessed by spirit

his face flickered between male and female and animal and alien and divine and disgusting

mask after mask, voice after voice, just a clean channel

shit got intense for a lot of the people in the room, many left

I watched, totally entranced, hands on my heart, belly laughing at the spectacle of it all

with a deep understanding being told to me... everything in us is godly and divine from the vomiting in buckets to the simple prayers on our altar

that moment trained me for meeting the future Monica-- the Monica who would have to deal with ALL sides of herself that would come out after losing a child and raising another while deep in grief

I stood in the kitchen today and wept thinking about that night

I know I'm slightly sadistic but the joy I felt in that chaos was pure magic

and today I felt it again... the depth of dates and the height of mint when baking brownies, the cup of intense coffee that completely lightened my mood, the bittersweetness of chocolate that elevates me each time I taste it

there is divinity in the darkness

we're all just worms making liquid gold from the rot and life around us

it's beautiful and holy and totally gross