2 years ago today at exactly 41 weeks with my sweet son: this was the last full day Callum Angus was swimming in my womb. We heard his strong heart a few times that night and by 3pm on the 5th he was gone.

This was literally peak happiness for me-- I couldn't remember a more blissful day. We swam at our favorite hole, ate a picnic of pistachios and mango, played with Gert, slowly walked up and down the creek breathing through loads of contractions, and talked about how life was going to change once this little stinker decided to make his entrance into our world.

I couldn't look at this picture for a long time. When I took it I thought it was going to be the one picture I would proudly show him when he became a little boy. I remember thinking that I would tell him "look how mama glowed with you inside her, you made me so beautiful". Once he died those words seared in my heart. I will never forget what this picture meant to me, what it made me feel.

It felt like the start of a new journey, but certainly not the one I intended or wished for.

So the next few days are really hard for us.

The 4th was our last day together as a family (and it honestly seems like the last time I was that fully embodied and happy). The 5th is when Callum died. The 6th is our spiritual labor. The 7th is our physical labor.

We're just holding space for ourselves and keeping our hearts in tender places (and really pouring lots of love on Bea!). But let me say... the pain is unimaginable. The physical longing for your child does not go away after your child dies. There is an imprint, a primal feeling, that you're left with.

I allow myself to sit with that feeling from time to time just to remind myself that I AM HIS MOTHER and HE IS MY BABY. Sometimes it seems like that is all we have. That deep overwhelming embrace. The place of intense joy and intense sadness.

We did this together. Agreed on this path together. Decided it was this lifetime together.

But, still, this is the one day I long to return to. Just to feel that bliss again. It was truly a perfect day. At least I have that.