Death Day: I have so much to say but none of it feels right-- so I'll stick with honesty over poetics.

I've been avoiding this spot for the two years since Callum died because it was my favorite spot to soak during that summer and because I planned to teach him how to swim there. Except for ONCE last summer when I was pregnant with Bea (which was far too weird and painful to walk the same terrain while doing the same things, while carrying a different baby and praying for a different outcome!), I haven't seen this spot since the day before he died.

We decided to celebrate Callum's death by reclaiming this spot.

Not unlike our life, it has completely changed in the two years since he died. The winter thaw and spring rains totally transformed the landscape from what I remember last year. Our usual swim holes are no more. Everything shifted.

And it really feels so fucking good.

Like a breath of fresh air. It's newness like a blank page. We can create a different story.

And we did.

We played and swam and sucked on rocks and visited black dragonflies and were caught under an unintended rainbow from the glare of the sun on the camera. All with OUR baby.

It felt like stepping into a portal to another world.

I'm finding, in this first year, Bea is changing our healing path. She is closing up our loose ends and mending our broken hearts. Callum sent her to us for that very purpose ❤🌈 so while we celebrate the death of one life, we celebrated the birth of a new life for us.

And just a deep thank you to everyone who reads the crazy shit I write. I never intend for my posts to be anything but therapy for my pain. I'm so glad that they resonate and that you guys can really hear our harder stuff alongside our joys. I love you 🥰