Before it all: Summer 2003

Back on Christmas Eve I got pulled over for talking on my phone. I was in the throes of a massive breakdown and looking for help and not thinking straight and needing to talk to my mom.

Holidays are really hard for me. Callum's death is really hard for me. Seeing Bea and the kids in my life that are around how old he would have been is hard for me. It all came to a peak that day. Another holiday where we would move on without him being 🤲 here 🤲

I didn't try pretending with the cop. I couldn't control the breakdown. I was hyperventilating, barely coherent, telling him what was going on, what I was working through. My son died. Holidays are hard. I needed help. THAT was the best I could do.

He went back to the cruiser and returned with a ticket. He said he and his ex-wife went through the same thing a few years back. In the moment, and really needing guidance, I asked how they got through it. He said: "needless to say, it's why we're not together".
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I will never forget that combination of words. I knew in my gut it was a wake up call.
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A Universal 2x4 to the head: "oh yeah! that DOES happen! there's no guarantee we make it through this."
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Keeping a relationship going for 17 years is really hard. The optimist in me thinks it'll get easier but it just keeps getting more complex. Richer, yes. Down time and breathing room to get back in the fight, yes. But navigation is so hard. Especially in the times when we're both lost in our own darkness.

Normal marriage is complicated. Heap on the grief, pain, anger, rage, disbelief of your child dying 🤦‍♀️ coupled with a life that just keeps moving forward (because life really is indifferent) and you can find yourself in interesting dynamics.

Yesterday someone asked me the age of our relationship and I immediately responded "infancy". I think we're on our fourth relationship together. We're in a process of relearning and recommitting. Crafting a life after death. Just a couple of babies.

Wild and untameable shit, this new chapter.

And an unknowable future. Scary. Exciting. Who the fuck knows 🤷‍♀️