This little one is constantly reminding me that we are learning how to do this together, each and every day
Being a child and being a mother
I never thought being a mother would be a staging ground for massive experimentation and forever change, but here we are on the frontlines
I thought being a mother meant sacrificing my spiritual growth
I let that belief burrow deep into my head for so many years that it actually kept me from wanting/having children
Spent most of my teenage years and all of my 20s against it
Now I feel sad for that older version of me that felt that kids were burdens-- felt that my purpose was more than them
Nothing (literally NOTHING) puts you on the fast track to clearing up your shit and taking responsibility for yourself like having a kid
As long as you have the heart to face yourself every single day, of course
It's a very direct 1:1
I am you, you are me
I am the model for this kid
A touchstone (perhaps THE touchstone)
I want to always be the tree under which my child rests and plays and grieves and explores
Rooted and sturdy mama
Always there for comfort and groundedness, love and tough love
Willing to be the network of support that holds her while she expands and contracts, all until she decides it's time to be a tree herself
It takes bravery to be a parent
To help raise a spirit from the moment of conception to the end of your life (assuming it all goes that way), is an absolute gift
After losing a few pregnancies and having Callum die during labor, life is truly truly truly nothing short of a fucking miracle
The fact that we are anything more than a clump of dividing cells in the neverending pea soup of evolution is astounding
The fact that we can carry on our lines is an honor to every single ancestor who came before us-- a living and breathing prayer, incarnate
I hope to teach Bea a gentle, fierce, and connected way to walk through this world for a very long time
Having this soul beside me is the only gift that matters
For now she's standing on turtles and begging for chocolate and talking about how her favorite dinosaur is a dilophosaurus because it spits and in love with her little but expanding world
