Celiac Awareness Month: over-identifying with disease
when you're struggling to figure out a health crisis, all of your energy and focus goes into it
who am I joking... it's not like you have any control over what you're doing
you're completely within its grasp and ground down by the daily struggle
some days are clearer than others, but until you get better it's really a crapshoot
in my case, once I figured out what was wrong with me, I found that I was over-identifying with my disease (see even the possessive language of MY disease still shows ownership🤦♀️)
it does make sense-- when getting better is about your literal survival it becomes what you live and breathe
when every meal has the potential to get you sick, every meal then becomes a step on the slow road toward death or toward life
but...
there was a time, years after, where I started to see that this label "I have Celiac Disease" became something that was so aligned with WHO I WAS that it was really holding me back from LIVING
I heard a lyric from a Tori Amos song this week (in reference to anorexia): "I turned myself inside out in hopes someone would see"
that line brought me back to how much I held onto the CD label to show others (and myself) how much pain I went through
especially since that pain was so silent and internal
instead of processing the emotional pain within myself (because I had for so many years!), I learned to externalize it
seems like a smart adaptation
and most certainly a way to garner sympathy and attention in hopes someone would see what I was going through
wild what these moments do to us and for us
and now I can only have sympathy for myself
what a sad and lonely experience to have a chronic autoimmune condition without the empowerment of knowing what's wrong and the tools to fix it
sad to live in that fear every single day and hate your body for the pain it causes
this is the story of many with chronic illness or disease (or even dis-ease)
light at then end of the tunnel, but a long journey in the mucky darkness
