Hiding our selves: feeling squeezed [very] tight these days

@brandon.of.bjerke and I have some major decisions to make with the business in the next few weeks. In these big movements of stepping UP! and stepping OUT! I am revisiting tons of old traumas I really thought I worked through 👌🤦‍♀️
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I find myself wanting to remain small because I have learned that there is danger in being seen. There is danger in visibility. You become a target.

So I think... Maybe: if I hide in plain sight, people won't cut me down. Maybe: if I don't take ownership for what I do, what I create, what I put out into the world, people won't be loud in their criticisms. Maybe: if I act indifferent to the pain and struggles that come with being an entrepreneur and running a successful business (there are so many!) all the setbacks won't sting so much.

Maybe: I should stop sharing.

When I really sit back and ask myself "Is this real? Is this really what YOU want?" I get so angry. My entire body responds in a resounding and fiery fucking wail! NO! NO! NO!

These are all defense mechanisms.

We learn: Don't boast, it's unbecoming. Don't complain, people don't want to hear that. Don't air your dirty laundry, that shit's private. Don't share too much, people can't be trusted. Sound familiar yet?

What about connection? What about reality? What about a true representation of life and the big real deep shit we all go through?

I'm really starting to see all the ways I've diminished myself over the years. Since childhood really. The whiplash of overexposure and oversharing. The destabilizing nature of true transparency. I've been accused my entire life of being too honest (is that a real thing?). I'm really angry. All this minimizing leads to a splintering of self. A real compartmentalization.

And for the friends who have hung along with this post, is this what you're going through too? I know I'm not the only one who just wants to say "fuck you and fuck it!". I'm really tired of keeping Monica locked up and tiny. Bitch needs to grow 🌱💪🏽