Motherhood is enraging

I speak pretty openly about a lot yet this is one that I am always resistant to share, hesitant to admit, and totally and completely NOT ABOVE at all.

So much of motherhood happens in the dark. The literal and figurative. The nursings. The cries. The soothing. The stumbling through, trying to figure out what works best for YOUR kid.

The endless stream of advice that seems to serve only the person who's giving it (give yourself a pat on the back for your flawed retrospect, I swear to Spirit I will not pass judgement on parents and I will support them in their search for what works for their families). How easily you seem to forget the in-the-dark driving just to get your kid to fucking sleep. You forget that she's just laughing in the backseat, giggling to herself about nothing in particular, while you're workshopping all the things you did wrong, all the things you can do better, and all the things to make yourself not fall into a million pieces.

Just the Universe telling you to chill the fuck out? Yeah, it's not that easy because we're adults. We have expectations and schedules and a routine to keep in line AND the need for sleep. I am not above the rage.

So when your kid decides she wants you up at 4am to play instead of sleep. Or she's decided that she's no longer taking naps longer than 30 minutes. She's suddenly forgetten how to suck and decides to wrench your nipple instead (over and over and over and over). She's started using your hair as a toy or as a thing to steady herself (still hurts like hell every single time, expected or unexpected). She wants only Mama (my most schizophrenic love-hate)

Time and time again you make the decision to do "better" (WTF is that anyway?). You consciously decide to not take it out on them physicallyveballyemotionally, especially when that surge of angerdesperationragefear coursing through your body feeds on split second reactions. You have to dig in, KNOWING it does not necessarily get easier. The shit gets different. The shit gets deeper. The shit gets infinitely more complicated.

And MAYBE next time you'll be a little less stupid or angry or immature.

But most of it is still in the dark.