Kūkaniloko: we came to these birthing stones the beginning of 2016 to lay down offerings to our ancestors and to ask for their guidance bringing a baby through. While in prayer I saw a baby floating above me connected by a luminous cord, Brandon heard a baby cry, and we saw a mama pig with her babies. All signs pointed to: baby is coming.

I was pregnant 9 months later.

We went back the beginning of 2017 to give thanks and celebrate my pregnancy with Callum. Blissfull and beautiful and fully optimistic.

I don't think much can prepare you for losing a child. For us there were no signs. No one had answers. No one could find anything wrong. We were left with: "it's something that happens". He was just here and then he wasn't. Just like that. Brutal. Cold. Final.

I couldn't bring myself to go there last year after Callum died and while I was newly pregnant with Bea. Too tender, too tenuous, altogether too much. I was in so much grief and anxiety. It totally ripped me open.

But this year we found ourselves here at the beginning of our trip. We spontaneously drove to Chinatown to grab a ginger lei and some local fruit and drove out to these stones to see what would happen.

Our journey bringing babies into this world has been anything but straightforward. We've suffered miscarriages, death, lots of birth trauma, and lots of waiting. So much waiting.

Sometimes it's not easy feeling it all. Gonna be honest, sometimes it's not easy being with Bea-- seeing her grow and change and observe and respond to the world reminds me of all we lost with Callum. It's all so bittersweet.

The feelings are beyond complicated. And in order to work through them and heal (or just get through the fucking day!) we have to sit with that shit. We have to let it get us uncomfortable. We have to digest. We have to cry. We have to mourn. All alongside this beautiful baby.

So, at this quiet but powerful site where the ali'i were birthed, we honored our ancestors and celebrated both babies and laughed about our shit luck and said a little fuck you to the Universe.

That's what our life looks like now. Messy, all over the place, and really fucking real. And lots of love 🌈🌈🌈