GooGooMon: I just finished up with an appointment when my therapist asked if I ever went to the county fair as a child.

The question instantly transported me to another time. The rush of it all was intense-- so many memories of my dad came racing to the forefront of my heart.

There are times I just drive because that's what we used to do. I roll down the windows. Take ownership of the road. Take confidence in the car. Take the road a little looser than usual. Listen to the same albums.

All in an effort to reclaim those days with my dad. All in an effort to get closer to him. To feel him again.

So tonight, the memory of my first concert came back: Goo Goo Dolls, Orange County Fairgrounds in Middletown NY.

The feeling came back. The excitement. The can't-contain-yourself of it all. And that feeling that sits in the middle of your stomach was there too. Maybe the feeling of thinking about the future when you're young. The promise of openness and horizons. Of a life that will be lived differently.

Above all though, the love love love that I had for my dad to make that moment happen for me. My heart felt so big leaving my therapist's office remembering what he did for me.

So I decided to take a longer than usual sunset drive, throw on Dizzy Up The Girl, visualize my dad riding shotgun, and sing as loud as I could and as best as I could through all the tears.
He was with me. I felt him. I miss him. It's been almost 10 years and I'm realizing now that there are so many things that my adult self would love to ask him. Things that I didn't think to ask about as a 20 year old. About his childhood. About his addictions. About his dreams. About his loves.

There is a place inside all of our parents that we just can't touch. The unknowingness is so vast and scary and even as an adult I have a hard time sitting with it all. I wish I could have one more day with him. But I know the ONLY THING I would really want to do is drive and listen to our favorite music.

And, I JUST googled the date, my first concert was on August 29 1999-- 20 years ago, yesterday ❤❤