this is the last of Callum's milk

I decided to pump after he died. It temporarily curbed the intense grief of losing him. When my life was falling apart, it grounded me in the experience of motherhood. And it taught me that despite my worst fears that my body killed my baby (which it did not!), my body was built to sustain life.

We counted 1200+oz of milk stored in deep freeze. I pumped for 2 months until my cycle came back and I cycled out of production.

My intention was to donate his milk to a baby in need, but it was way too hard to let go. Holding on to his milk was like holding onto the last piece of him. So in the freezer it remained until (surprising) sweet Bea came along.

We've been breastfeeding since the beginning. It's been an intense and interesting road-- one filled with frustration, crying, and screaming from both of us. And a lot of shaming from professionals about needing to use a nipple shield for the first few months.

But under the guidance of a good #lacationconsultant (and a couple mama friends to which I am indebted for normalizing it all @stacbrowne @aliciac215 🙏), I learned ways of holding that didn't hurt my csection incision and it was emphasized that relaxing into the process was more important than weaning from the shield. We got the hang of the whole thing about 3 months in and it's been relatively smooth sailing since.

We started giving Callum's milk to Bea as a supplement at 4 months. Were closing in on the end of his supply (and weirdly enough coming to the beginning of my pumping journey datewise). It feels like the coming together of two stories-- of two lines. A threshold that were going to cross very soon.

My plan for the future is to breastfeed as long as Bea wants. So much about it is the relationship and exchange between a mother and child-- her feelings AND my feelings, her body AND my body. I'm not afraid to admit that I need it as much as she does. Maybe that's because I didn't have a chance to feed Callum 🤷‍♀️ but there is something to the slow approach that seems natural and comfortable and what we're going to do