beauty in the dark

No place I would rather be for NYE than staring at my little beauty, listening to the pouring rain, while breastfeeding at a rest stop on our way home from visiting with family in Maryland.

This sweetness is such a wonderful rest stop in my life. Nourishing and healing a year that was heavy with anxiety.

Thank you to everyone who has been by our side. Everyone who has held out their hands, lent us their ears, and felt brave enough to ask the tough questions that weighed on their hearts and mind. We see you.

Thank you @brandon.of.bjerke for our marriage. Our relationship has been tested so much over the past two years. We've moved through tough shit: anger, fear, pain, rage, despondency, boredom. Literally more than ANYONE we know. We've brought forward a beautiful little boy and the sweetest little girl-- one there and one here. We've let ourselves work through the worst growing pains possible with just a far off hope to hold onto. We've (somehow) focused on our love and our love of laughter to get us through it all. And our faith. Definitely our faith.

Thank you Callum and Bea. You two are in this together. Baby Boy brought forth his Sister with so much grace and design that it feels like it happened for a reason beyond our understanding. Thank you for breaking us open and healing our hearts. For showing us that no matter what we feel, it's real and needs to be felt. Thank you for growing us the fuck up.

And thank you to ME. For being: Real. Honest. Challenging. Changeable. Hardworking. And unafraid. Glad I got those far off eyes that focus on the future and fall in love with the present 🤩🤩 To the new New Year 👏👏

34th birthday

(This is 34) The Year of Changes: My hair is falling out. I smell like an old Italian man. I barely wear a bra anymore. My boobs leak. My c-section scar is still totally funky. I have a huge swath across my belly that doesn't feel a thing. I sweat like crazy. I eat like crazy. I get this rage build up that literally makes me burn and itch if I don't get it out. I scream into pillows. My tolerance for surface conversation is terrible. My attention span is even worse. I talk to myself about myself. I crave garlic and meat. I like soup. My weekly fun is the Y-- walking the track, going for a row, and taking a steam. I make Bea watch Sesame Street so I can watch Sesame Street. I cry about damn near everything. I shit with the door open. I go to bed around 10.

And this week I was given the best Birthday gift: Bea's cracking up at my tears. On so many levels 🙏 it's just fucking perfection. That's you baby! Turning all of those tears into promise and hope and love and life.

I would have changed everything about me to find you, but you love me as I am. Warts, farts, and all.

So this is the best Birthday of my life and I didn't do a damn thing but be myself.

faith

☝️faith: 1 year ago today sweet Bea came to us 🌈 on a rainbow🌈 to show us the continuity of Life and Death. Love lives in both, magic lives in both, try and let both rip you apart to open you up.

November of last year was the hardest month of my life. As fucking awful as it was losing Callum, there was a sweetness nestled in July-- the anticipation of labor; the joy of finally seeing his beautiful face (Death cannot take that away!); the weird jewel of emptiness that lived in my body (I was reborn passing through that fire, no words to describe the energetic pearl that lived in my chest!); the closeness and strength that emerged from our relationship (pure essence of love shit); and knowing (like deep in bones knowing) that what we created was PERFECT but not meant to live. We trusted. ...and then November came. Death felt [alittletooclose]. Hope was low. I felt like I was drowning.

I've had existential crises over the years so I generally know the lay of the land, but this one ripped me apart. I felt very very close to losing my shit and my grip (thankful for our work with @thekarunaproject at the time 🙏). So many questions, so few tangible trustworthy answers. Lots and lots of limbo.

The spark: in the span of two days two couples we know gave birth to their babies and two other couples announced they were expecting. Those post-stillbirth joys were deadened by frustration and anger-- no matter how much you love them it's hard to be happy for others when you're baby dies on the doorstep to this world.

I lost my shit. We went to the creek so I could scream-cry-rationalize-rage-pray. I'm not embarrassed of those moments, I let them loose. I let the purge come. The feeling after is of cleansing-- a "making room" for more (for better). So on our way back, just down the road from our home, this rainbow appeared. Standing there, absorbed in its glory, I had a divine download: "you are making room for a baby". I knew I was pregnant. Two days later I had symptoms, for B's birthday confirmation.

In all that darkness there was still light. Still faith. She crystallized. She came. Now, just sticking her tongue out while playing, not a care in the 🌎

everything we pour in

Early start: listen, I don't have much to complain about with @happybellyhudson 🙏 this business has been my/our baby for just about 6 years-- she has given us back everything we've put in.

It's a reciprocal and cyclical relationship 🤝 everything we pour in, all the love and all the attention, in her successes and her failures, we love her unconditionally ❤

Having a vision, executing that vision, and maintaining that vision ALL THE WHILE allowing that vision to guide you and openly evolve is really really difficult!

This is a unique aspect to small business ownership-- an aspect that requires a balance between too much control and too little control. That balancing act is a tight rope where without sure footing-- which in this case means knowing yourself and trusting the vision you've brought forth-- you are sure to get pushed around.

Dealing with a public who loves what you do is both a blessing and a burden. Many (most!) of our customers are kind people who appreciate the service and beauty we are putting out into the world-- they tell us every single week! This helps us see ourselves clearly and it keeps us from being weighed down by the physical drudgery of the job.

But there are some customers who have boundary issues and very very hazy intentions 😉 ones who choose to start their comments with "well if this was my business..." or "I'm only saying this because I love Happy Belly..." or "why don't you...". These customers are a challenge and bring the most complicated lessons.

The lesson is knowing that everyone has an opinion when they're not arms deep in the WORK. They distract and detract and bring with them a ton of shit that can throw you completely off track if you let them: such is life.

So ground yourself in your experience, your wisdom, and your intuition. This is your journey! Your voice! Be firm about what opinions you're absorbing or ignoring (external challenges are good, just discern the source!). Be appreciative of those who see you and hold you in love. They will be a helping hand 👋 when the noise becomes a bit too much

great spiral

Pregnancy and Infant Loss: Wave of Light 🌊🔥🌈 Each life is a labyrinth. If you walk with Spirit long enough you begin to realize that our stories and our lessons lie within a Great Spiral. A path that we move in and out of, gaining a wide variety of perspectives and experiences. A path to learn the deeper truths and to see ourselves clearer.

It is the purified path. It is our personal resurrection. It is a living fractal. The inner workings? To be accepted and honored, but not understood.

I could never have imagined we would be here after losing Callum. Happy. Content. Grounded.

We are understanding it's all part of the plan. All part of the path. We're not struggling to accept anymore.

Callum graciously brought Bea to us-- to bless us, to heal us. We love her more because we lost him. Such a weird and bittersweet lesson.

They are forever linked. A brother and sister beyond this world. Doing work and digging deep.