body forever changed

New meaning of Happy Belly: finally felt fine enough to start working.

C-sections are fucking serious business! The road to recovery has been fraught with accelerations and setbacks. I've never been this committed to getting my physical body back to balance-- and not because I want to, but because I have to. Simply going for a walk longer than 30 minutes has been insanely difficult. My abs feel like they've been torn apart. My core is forever changed.

Coming back together after major surgery is really intense. I've spent so much time developing my energetic, mental, and spiritual body over the years-- physical has always been lowest on the list.

The deep work and care has been showing me my humanity (strength and frailty). I feel like nothing more than a little baby needing constant and tender love (Bea and I are the same right now ❤). I'm just starting to get feeling back in my belly-- the numbness is abating. My incision is just starting to heal-- early weeks of hot temperatures and high humidity kept it too moist and regularly weeping. The shakiness from the anesthesia and the freezing surgery room are only effecting me when I'm stressed or overtired (trauma and triggers burrow deep! I'll work through this one for a long time!). Things have finally turned a corner.

So many things that this birth has taught me. It set me on a completely new path. We expected an uncomplicated homebirth and got a complicated surgery. I expected an easy recovery and got a doubling-down on my health. I expected things to go "perfectly" because of what we went through with Callum (clearly the Universe would be kind😂) and we got a rough road. Everything telling me to set expectations aside and settle into reality. Focus focus focus! Work work work!

So I baked 8 trays and wrote the newsletter for the @hfmny and I feel like (fuck that, I AM!) Wonder Woman.

Here's a little view of my work day. Digging deep and thanking my husband for holding me up: lit and fig 💪🏽

think you're evolved?

Think you're evolved? Have a baby. Think you have patience? Have a baby. Think you know what being "present" really means? Have a baby.

This little love is breaking me down over and over: teaching me to let go and showing me all the places in myself that are still so fucking tight. This beautiful face is capable of delivering the greatest and the hardest lessons... and we're only 17 days in 😳 bringing me to task 24/7.

Normal postpartum talk, right?

ripe as a flower in bloom

evening inspiration: go womb, go!🤞 Opening up past our limits is the work of a womb and the work of a mother-- all to let life in and to eventually let life out. Big deep breaths... as vast as the oceans. Expansive and retractive like the horizon and the tide. Always side by side, holding onto each other with open arms.

As ripe as a flower in bloom. The truth that lies in this work is always fertile ground. This is a deeply personal journey-- a constant play of light and shadow and a confrontation of self. All the fear, anxiety, and mindlessness so easily transparent and ready for transformation. All the joy, bliss, and ecstasy right on the surface. Ready for reaping. But it is work.

Our bodies are taken by a force so outstanding and so revolutionary. We are birthing the Universe each time we birth a baby (an idea, a project, a business, ourselves) and the Universe is birthing us. Woven together through time, every step forward seems to dip into the past-- a beautiful back and forth, like the gentle rocking of a great mother's arms.

An affirmation of: You are okay. You can do this. You will get every little thing your heart desires. Nothing less than it all❤

bodhisattva babies

Here we are: on the precipice. Such a sweet and heart-opening time, filled with patient anticipation and heavy realism. The two of us teetering on a threshold. Scared to repeat what happened a year ago, but deeply trusting all the messages that have been coming through. She IS coming through. Hand delivered by her brother. Big eyes, bright face, nurturing spirit. She will teach us about the greatest love we've never known. All we have to do is observe, open up, and let the process unfold. We are all birthing something new.

Here we are: holding onto each other with a tenderness and ease that speaks to our just-about 16 years together. Skin to skin-- bellies, arms, legs, hair, stretch marks, big toe. A bit weathered and aging, but more in love with our strength and vulnerability than ever. Beacons through our growth and anchors through our loss. We expand and shift to accommodate. We tear down and rebuild to start over. We weather every storm. We celebrate the rain. Our together-dance brings the fucking thunder.

Here we are: waiting for a new life to come to our world. Our love creates love. Forever expansive and beautiful-- just getting ready to take the fool's leap to the other side-- from a family of three to a family of four. You, me, Callum, and Bea. In flesh and in spirit. Forever in love with the magnificence of one another and fully trusting of the journey that is unfolding. Side by side, hand in hand. We love deeply and wildly.

Our babies have been our greatest teachers. The wise ones who brought us closer to ourselves and closer to understanding unconditional love. One on the spirit realm and one on the physical plane, we honor them for their tenacity, grit, and guidance. Our little bodhisattvas bringing their lessons of enlightenment and compassion. Us... silly flawed people.

Last year I was apprehensive, but this year I'm ready. What do you have for us today?

comfort spills too far

Boundaries: getting schooled on setting them and dealing with those who regularly cross them/ being shown the differences between a valuable harvest and the unnecessary overgrowth

I've worked very hard at cultivating and communicating my boundaries.

I've spent years sitting with my YES and my NO-- getting into the nitty gritty and subtle differences between the two. Knowing what feels right for my body and my spirit the moments I'm faced with a push. Internal or external. I ask the same questions... how does this make me feel? Is it a yes? Is it a no?

I understand the places where my comfort thrives. I understand when I can coax my comfort into new, exciting, and empowering territories. I understand when that comfort spills too far over the edge and I begin to feel a little too vulnerable. I see when to reel it in and engage in tender self care.

These things are now done with autonomy and agency. These things are done with the wisdom and experience that comes from years of working through abusive relationships. Years of boundary crossings. Years of emotional labor. Years of personal supression in the favor of others.

The most difficult thing is confidently and regularly communicating personal boundaries. It's not pretty. It doesn't always keep unhealthy people/behaviors/attitudes/actions at bay. Sometimes we're forced to become assholes just to protect ourselves, just to make sure we're not allowing others to walk all over us.

I spent a lot of time not knowing that I could speak truth to "power" to disarm it. I spent time telling myself to be kind to everyone else but myself. To prioritize everyone else but myself. To make space for everyone else but myself.

That spillage needs to stop. You have to dig deep to reinforce what you need. NO is the most powerful word you can feel into and say. Say it over and over and over until the message is clear.

These abusive patterns emerge from time to time to re-engage you. To teach you more about the health of strong boundaries. To teach you to understand what you need, who in your life is aligned with and respectful of your boundaries, and that your YES and your NO is NOT up for a debate 💪🏽 fuck that noise