☝️faith: 1 year ago today sweet Bea came to us 🌈 on a rainbow🌈 to show us the continuity of Life and Death. Love lives in both, magic lives in both, try and let both rip you apart to open you up.

November of last year was the hardest month of my life. As fucking awful as it was losing Callum, there was a sweetness nestled in July-- the anticipation of labor; the joy of finally seeing his beautiful face (Death cannot take that away!); the weird jewel of emptiness that lived in my body (I was reborn passing through that fire, no words to describe the energetic pearl that lived in my chest!); the closeness and strength that emerged from our relationship (pure essence of love shit); and knowing (like deep in bones knowing) that what we created was PERFECT but not meant to live. We trusted. ...and then November came. Death felt [alittletooclose]. Hope was low. I felt like I was drowning.

I've had existential crises over the years so I generally know the lay of the land, but this one ripped me apart. I felt very very close to losing my shit and my grip (thankful for our work with @thekarunaproject at the time 🙏). So many questions, so few tangible trustworthy answers. Lots and lots of limbo.

The spark: in the span of two days two couples we know gave birth to their babies and two other couples announced they were expecting. Those post-stillbirth joys were deadened by frustration and anger-- no matter how much you love them it's hard to be happy for others when you're baby dies on the doorstep to this world.

I lost my shit. We went to the creek so I could scream-cry-rationalize-rage-pray. I'm not embarrassed of those moments, I let them loose. I let the purge come. The feeling after is of cleansing-- a "making room" for more (for better). So on our way back, just down the road from our home, this rainbow appeared. Standing there, absorbed in its glory, I had a divine download: "you are making room for a baby". I knew I was pregnant. Two days later I had symptoms, for B's birthday confirmation.

In all that darkness there was still light. Still faith. She crystallized. She came. Now, just sticking her tongue out while playing, not a care in the 🌎