all the little bits of me

I throw around giving up Happy Belly every single Friday when I'm hip-deep in a 14 hour shift

There is something about this business that just grinds away at humanity

I've been working 7 days a week for 7 months straight and it's somehow still not enough

The needs of a business tear you down and build you back up into a more strategic, laser-focused machine of a person

But I chose a renegade soul when I was born-- one who wants to burn shit to the ground to see what will happen, one who trusts that I can always build better

I've been feeling the intense fire to do something different-- to write, to film, to speak

But the baking list keeps getting longer

Not sure if this is an emotional phase or if the adjustments need to happen, but I wanted to share

People think that we're a beacon of light and creativity (at least that's what they tell us), but sometimes the grind finds me in a sad and overwhelmed place and it just rolls me

October is the DARKEST month

My dad passed away from an aneurysm in October. I laid his ashes to rest 7 years later at the portal at Callanish in Scotland in October

My grandfather, my closest thing to a soulmate, was born in October. He sent me Callum in October

B and I celebrate our anniversary (plus the ups and downs that have brought us closer and added to our resentments) in October

I transitioned into Happy Belly being my independent solo deal in October after a heartbreaking miscarriage

Work has been suffocating lately

Relentless really

I put every bit of me in the food I'm making each week. This is an act of therapy and radical honesty

I process every thing I'm going through while doing this work. So the beauty and height of it all, is from work done in the trenches

There are no love and light mantras being prayed over your food

It is tears and anger and hope and despair and all the little bits of me that I don't like sharing with others but I can somehow channel into these creations

It's the real shit

I'm saying this to show I'm human. To show we're all human. No pedestal necessary. No fucking guru in front of you

(yesterday we celebrated 18 years of being together and dredging the shit)

two feet up and testing her limits

two feet up and testing her limits

we spent time among the pussy willows that hold space on the small plot we live-- climbing her branches and exploring her base

we piled fallen leaves into their separate colors and worked on identification-- green, red, orange, yellow, brown / willow, maple, mulberry, locust, Virginia creeper

we got lost in the dirt-- we found bugs and worms and a black feather and an old purple tag for an obedient plant I put in the ground years ago that was choked out by ever-extending elder

we shielded ourselves from the wind, but kept the sun on our faces

we talked to the trees

I want Bea to know they can hear her-- they do communicate

I want Bea to know that she can always find safety among them-- they are stewards

I want Bea to know that we are plant people-- long lines of magic makers with gratitude in our hearts and wisdom in our heads, always

during a baking session yesterday I heard a passage from Robin Wall Kimmerer's Braiding Sweetgrass that gut punched me-- "This is really why I made my daughters learn to garden-- so they would always have a Mother to love them long after I'm gone"

that's the heartbreaking job of being a parent

if you do it right they will be able to carry on at some point without you being by their side

the mycellium network under a forest floor connects roots to roots so that a Mother tree can listen and respond to her sapling babies

she will adjust her roots to make space for them

she will send nutrients to help them grow

she will warn them of incoming threats so they can protect themselves

she will teach them how to live in cooperation and codependence with other species

she will show them how to care for the community and their own babies

and when she dies she will have a legacy all around her while she dissolves into the compost that will continue to nourish

big lesson of the day: it turns out that WE ARE ALL plant people

no iron lung needed

😭😭 we have the best customers in the world!

if you would have told me that every week I would be hearing stories about the intimate and vulnerable details of people's lives and their journey toward healing themselves, I wouldn't believe you

if you would have told me that WE would be a mile-marker and touch-stone along their path, I wouldn't believe you

if you would have told me that our art would inspire others to be bold and creative and in service of others, I wouldn't believe you

but here we are, 8 years in and I'm still astounded at the rewards this business has brought forth

so much more than the livelihood

after Callum died I decided that EVERYTHING in my life was up for review-- it alllllll went on the chopping block

if it wasn't aligned, it was gone

I was okay stepping into cutthroat times because life felt so open and raw and I knew I was not willing to sacrifice myself to keep things around that didn't make sense

My time HERE is precious

I knew what that meant for Happy Belly

So I threw the question out to the Universe and waited for an answer

Like a phone call coming through, I heard someone on the other line tell me that I've been doing this all wrong

I was seeing myself too small

I was seeing the business too small

I heard their mantras: the yin and yang of it all, the impressions and the relief, the forever balance of building up and breaking down

"Your life's work is your worklife"

"Your worklife is your life's work"

I still have to remind myself when I'm in darkness that what I do matters, but the resurfacing from those depths is much easier

No iron lung needed

So for the lovely human who made this for us... I needed this. It's MY touchstone right now

This is my reminder that we're doing good each day and doing more-- mistakes and successes, a full embrace of the ALL that we are

Thank you sweet friend, let us feed you forever ❤❤🌅🌅🔥🔥

the squeeze

feeling the squeeze:

this moment is radicalizing me

we've had a couple weeks of reallllllllllly tough customer interactions

ones that have shadowed some of my thoughts about this business, this craft, and capitalizing on my own creativity

I'm gonna say it: a minimum of one year of customer service should be the mandatory requirement for living in a capitalistic system

that way customers make space for time and stepping the fuck back

that way customers learn how to treat others with decency and compassion

that way customers remember that those in the service industry are not endlessly functioning machines or personal servants

that way they remember that being human is actually acceptable and NONE OF US are capable of absolute perfection-- especially when perfection is subjective

I know, we're so entrenched in capitalism that it's hard as a culture, and individuals!, to have perspective

it's hard for me to deal with always being expected to be kind even in the face of some of the rudest interactions

it's hard for me to know that people pull shit with me and Abi that they would NEVER dream of pulling with Brandon

it's hard for me to say that just because you bought one thing from us weeks ago doesn't mean you bought unfettered access to us

it's hard for me to imagine a human attached to the unrealistic expectations that get projected at us each week

PLEASE DON'T GET ME WRONG

this is also meant as a deep praise of the customers of ours who get it

a huge gratitude to the ones who know/see/experience the amount of labor that goes into the love we manifest each week and tell us this much

the ones who care to know our names, ask about our kid, and humanize what we do

we are doing this for you because you keep showing up

there is nothing better than to be in service

especially in healthy and reciprocal relationships

our eyes are clear about you because of the shit we've been wading through the past couple weeks

but the need to produce to survive and make a living is an emotional drain

this shit is hard, I'm feeling it for all of us, and we need to create something different that prioritizes people over motherfucking profit

call forth and come into being

juicy galaxy 🌌 a little peach and dragonfruit foam from our pressing this weekend

forever obsessed with the process and the product 👌 and the creation of these beauties each and every week

like a galaxy, there is a birthing process involved

it's like they call forth to come into being

it's like the ingredients long for each other

I'm not sure if this makes sense to the uninitiated, but when you get quiet enough things start talking to each other and to you

or maybe I've taken too many psychedelics over the years 😉 either way the product is good and I'm having fun

this was from our cold pressed peach dragonfruit lemonade with maple, ginger, and sea salt

more a nectar than a juice-- creamy and sweet and so perfect for these hot days