I've been slowly letting go of my own "re-invention" for something more liberating

it feels like an endless and addictive pursuit that is rooted in the simplest of truths: there is something wrong with me and I'm not good enough as I am, so I need to change

re-invention is a way to keep my drive toward perfection hidden because it passes as a skill set

a way to be "more conscious"

a better me

it has attainable goals

but lately I've been seeing that the goal posts are constantly moving

and I'm the one who moves them

I can see that re-invention and self-improvement keeps me in a place of judgment about my essential nature

it's become clear that it's all a wheel I'm very interested in stepping away from

I think I'm more interested in going deeper into who I am, as I am

the uncovering and remembering of things that I've lost along the way

the liberation of no goals is real

it means acceptance of the complicated messiness and flawless beauty that is MONICA

and shows me that I can be there for myself in a way that holds spaces for the complexity of life without thinking that another class, another mentor, another self-help book, another modality, another whatever has the answers to fix me

which just means having enough control over myself and circumstances that I avoid feeling pain 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

the only truth that seems to exist is that there is nothing to fix

Florida has been helping unwind all of this stuff by showing raw, unfiltered, life-or-death nature at my footsteps

getting me face to face with shit that can kill me

so here is sweet Lily

patiently observing, knowing how/when to expend her energy, exploring and understanding her environment, being curious

characteristics that are counterintuitive to everything I've been taught

an intelligence that is effortless and all her own

🐊big gator energy these days🐊