my resting place: forever by her side
right now I remember snuggling into her thigh and belly, gently rubbing her super soft arms, and speaking softly in our sweet private moments together
best feeling in the world
tonight marks one full week since my grandmother died
I haven't wanted to share much this past week, I've just wanted to sit with this whole experience for a while
this is all a little too surreal and difficult to comprehend
COVID changed everything for us
being unable to stand beside her in her last days is something that each of us will absolutely regret (and also having no ability to change or control our fate at a time like this)
the woman who created this legacy deserves so much more than hospital nurses being our stand-ins (although they did an amazing job)
as a kid I felt a comfort and safety by her side that I felt with no one else
in the moments we sat together, on the couch or at the kitchen table or in her car, we shared one heart
some wild unspoken magic between a grandmother and her grandchild
I knew I wanted to model that centeredness for my child because of my nanny
like a deeply rooted tree that forever shades and protects-- it becomes a resting place, a place of play, and the one spot where we lay down our sorrows to feel seen and heard and held
this was my nanny
our last day with her was better than we could have asked for
that Zoom call was different than the others
we had to wait for the hospice nurse for a bit and found ourselves chatting and laughing so as we went on with nanny it was like she got rolled right into the conversation
like nothing changed
she responded to our voices in ways that she hadn't before-- eyes wide open, tiny shrugs of her shoulders as if she was trying to lift herself up, the hint of a few smiles, and her characteristic rosy cheeks
we're happy she's not in pain or trapped in of her body, but fuck!
so many stories to remember and unfold-- ones that create and define all of us that will now be the balm to the pain
forever and always our lifeblood
forever and always our legacy
and as nanny has said: it's a so long, never a goodbye
