Happy 90th Papa: this man is responsible for nurturing the healer in me.
He's responsible for birthing a resistance by bringing in people who could change the course of our family's karma.
Work he chose to do with my mother and me in this life, and my daughter in spirit. We are following in his footsteps to clean the stain of incest from our family line.
I know this is intense shit. I'm sorry I'm writing this. I need a witness to it all. I need to air it out.
Whatever is going on feels like the purge of many lifetimes-- many incarnations.
It's like I'm going through a vast file cabinet that reaches so far back in time that it's beginning can barely be seen.
I'm working through our documents one by one. Assessing. Destroying. Cleansing. Rewriting.
Our mythology goes like this: I saved his life. I was what he lived for when he was at his sickest. He was redeemed through his love for me. After he died, he became my baby. After he died again he brought through my other baby. All in an effort to facilitate a massive shift in our line. To move the fucking world.
But I'm seeing the limits.
All that love wasn't enough to save him from his self-destructive impulses or a history of trauma that goes so far back and so deep that he imploded from the pain and secrecy of it all.
Tonight I realized I've been carrying the weight of my role as his healer throughout my life. I've been responsible for not saving him and keeping him alive. All that unprocessed pain is reflected right back at me in losing Callum.
I take on the burdens of others to help them heal-- to help carry their load. I don't know how to say no when I need to or give the burden back because I blame myself for not BEING ENOUGH to save him. I don't step into my full power and take responsibility for myself bc I'm playing out a pain pattern locked within our family.
How this relates to Happy Belly? I took on the role of healer to continue the unfinished work. Food is the vehicle because it was my papa's overindulgence that both soothed his heart and killed his heart.
Spirit says: we can't save anyone from themselves, the timeline has to play out, get ready for something new.
This is my legacy ✊
