When we were here in January, I lit this exact candle for Iona-- second row from the bottom, second candle from the right, at the foot of St Monica
I lit this and said a prayer to St Monica to have Iona come through alive
I remember thinking 3 things in that exact moment (if my wish was not granted):
1. I will completely lose faith in God if she dies
2. God is not that cruel
3. Most babies survive, so will Iona
I lit the same candle today, said thanks to Iona, and dipped back into those feelings. I really don't know the person who thought those things. It's wild
Every assumption I had about losing a second child was put to rest the minute it happened. I was astonished
I didn't lose faith in God. My faith got stronger
I didn't feel like God was cruel. I felt like God and Iona were holding us in loving arms-- inviting us to walk into a weightless, protected, unencumbered joy. Something I've never felt before
MOST babies do survive, but it was made clear to me that every single child has their own way of coming into this world-- their own destiny. And SOMETIMES that means coming into it dead instead of alive
And there's POWER in that
It flips everything we expect on its head, in a way that breaks us open. Broken open just enough to let something else in. And, for me, that was a peace that I didn't have after Callum died
I didn't know how much resentment was in my heart until Iona died. The weight I carried from Callum's death didn't leave me until she took it with her. And without it, I felt like I could see for the first time
I labored on my knees with Iona, next to Callum's altar. I allowed myself to release so much in those waves. Screaming that I hated him for making this my experience of motherhood. How it shadowed everything in my life-- "mother with dead baby" felt like it hung on me. All in prayer between a couple oat bags, his ashes, and a painting of HIS patron saint (St Columba) because that's where labor dropped me
I think a lot of good was done that day-- completing the circle + agreement created by me, Callum, and Iona
She died a couple hours after and a new life was born for all of us
Magical how this whole experience has unfolded ❤
