today is 3 years since Callum died

There are times when your memory stitches experiences into your DNA

It's like time slows down and you take every single thing in because you know it's transformational

You remember details and feelings that you shouldn't

The chaos feels more like calm

I was laboring in a stock tank pool when we realized he died

Brandon randomly asked the last time I felt him move

A wave of peace rolled over me

I knew

It had been a while

I was distracted while getting deeper into labor

I couldn't feel his energy anymore

What used to be internal became external

I remember feeling a hand on my shoulder

Letting me know I was protected and had to let everything unfold the way it was going to

This was the start of the rest of our lives

I knew I wanted to be sharp and awake, to take in every detail

I kept telling myself to not go numb, to open my eyes to everything that I was being shown

I'm still not ready to share my labor story and all the things that unfolded through Callum's death

This is a story that keeps growing and changing and moving with his sweet spirit

His death brought me ambivalence

I used to sit here and feel a lot of anxiety not seeing the answers

Not being able to sit with all the discomfort and unending lack of answers

Now I have the ability, like those images of Ascended Beings, to hold many of my hands out to many Truths

Ambivalence is a beautiful balancing act

And I'm forever floating between anger and acceptance, gratitude and grief, rage and resentment

And guess what-- they're all there to teach me some lessons about love and loss and I'm okay with each one sticking around for a while

So my view is a little different today

Bea is playing (in a different stock tank pool) in the water at the edge of Callum's garden

Our little light, from the other side, is always shining down and bathing us in his love

Happy Death Day sweet boy 🌈❤ we love love love you and the changes you keep bringing to our lives